Dating Disaster
by Tovaras
Summary: Dorian stumbles over a date that can only be a disaster and decides to tweet about it. Inspired by this post from Tumblr:


**Dating Disaster**

Title: Dating Disaster  
Author: Golddragon85/Tovaras  
Game: Dragon Age: Inquisition  
Characters/pairing: Dorian Pavus/Cullen Rutherford

Disclaimer: I own nothing besides my own play-through of the games and whatever my head manages to come up with when it comes to the story and situations. ... Sadly, I don't make money out of it.

xoxoxox

It was like a scene taken out a shitty romance movie, except Dorian wasn't the main star and for once he was grateful for that.

The one time he actually decided to just sit and wait at the café with a nice cup of coffee while waiting for his bus, he was treated with a show that was part comedy, part drama and he felt so very very sorry for the man that was involved.

It was a couple, seated at the table next to his, probably on their first coffee-date if the nature of their concersation was anything to go by and it was clear that it had been somewhat of a blind date.  
Two men, both handsome in their own right, but the one suffering was the one Dorian kept glancing towards. Cullen, Dorian believed the man had introduced himself as as the couple had sat down, but he wasn't sure. He hadn't actually started paying attention to them before the other man started talking and now that he was, he was more than able to take in the man's appearance even if the name had escaped him.

He was handsome in a way Dorian found working for him: blond hair that seemed to be styled into submission, warm, golden eyes, pale skin, some stubble on his chin and a small scar on the man's upper lip, just to the right of his face.

His taste in clothing, however, left must to be desired. A red flannel shirt with the sleves rolled up to his elbows, a black t-shirt and what Dorian suspected were unwashed jeans. Still, the man made it work and he had seen worse.

His date seemed to be good-looking as well, but the angle prevented Dorian from actually seeing his face properly. He wasn't a fan of the slicked back, brown hair, but who was he to judge? … At leats not much.

It seemed like everything was perfectly set up for a nice date: the sun was shiny, the café wasn't too crowded and the coffe was good, at leats the one Dorian was drinking.

However, unlike any other couple on dates he had seen, this did not seem to go so well. There was no excitement in the man's voice, but he tried. Maker, he did try.

As far as Dorian was concerned, the man deserved a reward in acting just from the way he was still smiling, still able to fake interest, even though the interest was quickly plummeting. It also brought Dorian some comfort that there was someone out there that had worse luck than him when it came to dating.

Discreetly wipping out his phone, hoping it wasn't too obvious that he was "spying" on the couple (though considering the fact that they were right next to him and being non-to-suble- about it all), he opened his twitter to start documenting this dating disaster.

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Watching a couple on what appears to be a terrible first coffee date at the table next to me._ _Dude is every precious self-involved writer._  
4:12 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _"I'm writing a screenplay._ _It's about this guy who never really feels like he fits in. Like he's just different"_  
4:13 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _"People tell me I look like James Franco."  
_ _Oh, darling, you really don't._  
4:15 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Handsome keeps politely asking him questions._ _Not once has his date asked him about himself._

 _Wait, he just asked he he's ever dated a writer wft_  
4:17 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

Dorian shook his head at the level of the ego of the poor man's date. He considered himself quite self-sentered at times, but when he was on dates, he was actually interested in getting to know the person he was with. This guy… He was just a piece of work.

Still, he wasn't the only one amused by the disaster that was happening right next to him. Several of his followers were already favoring his statuses, even retweeting him.

 **Felix Alexius**  
number_wizard  
 _Well, don't keep us in suspense! Details!_ RT magnificent_mage _: He keeps politely asking him questions. Not once has he asked him about himself._

 _Wait, he just asked he he's ever dated a writer wft_  
4:18 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Minrathous, Tevinter

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _"Writing is really hard. People don't know that. It involves a lot of introspection, a lot of wrestling with your own demons."_  
4:18 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **The Iron Bull**  
horns_up  
 _LOL, is he on a date with u? ];)_ RT magnificent_mage: _He keeps politely asking him questions._ _Not once has he asked him about himself._

 _Wait, he just asked he he's ever dated a writer wft_  
4:19 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Storm Coast, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _As if, I would at least show him a good time AND ask about him. He is cute. RT_ horns_up : _LOL, is he on a date with u? ;) RT magnificent_mage: He keeps…-_ READ MORE  
4:21 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

Dorian just winced as he heard the man continue to speak, biting his bottom lip hard in a desperate attempt not to laugh as he kept his eyes fixed on his phone. This was just too funny.

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _He's now complaining about the "body" of the coffee, telling him he knows a place that doesn't over-roast their beans._  
4:26 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Vivienne De Fer**  
madame_fer  
 _Well, that much is obvious, darling, considering your whereabouts._ RT magnificent_mage: _He's now complaining about the "body" of the coffee, telling him he knows a place that doesn't over-roast their beans._  
4:27 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Monsimard, Orlais

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Might I remind you that you sent me here?_ _RT_ madame_fer : _Well, that much is obvious, darling, considering your whereabouts._ RT magnificent_mage: _He's now complaining about the "body" of the… -_ READ MORE  
4:28 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Vivienne De Fer**  
madame_fer  
 _Details, darling._ RT magnificent_mage: _Might I remind you that you sent me here?_ RT madame_fer : _Well, that much is obvious, darling, considering your whereabouts._ RT magnificent_mage: _He's now complaining about the "body" of the…_ -READ MORE  
4:30 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Monsimard, Orlais

Besides, Dorian though as he nipped at his coffee, the sweet taste of the cream and sugar dampening the sharp expresso taste, Haven wasn't –that- bad. Yes, it was a bit damp and cold most days and it was downright impossible to find decent coffee or take-away, but the place had charm.  
Of course, that didn't mean that Dorian wanted to –stay- there. Skyhold was bad enough weatherwise, but at least they had proper coffee.

A rude whistle sounded from the table next to them where the couple was seated and when Dorian glanced over, he could see that the poor blond man was looking very uncomfortable as his date chasticed the waitress about the coffee, demanding it remade.  
As the poor girl took the two cups away, despite the blond man's protest that his coffee was just fine, the "writer" returned his attention back to his date. To Dorian's surprise, the man actually asked blond and handsome about him for a change.

The blond seemed almost a little relieved and he happily started telling his date more about himself.  
Dorian smiled some while listening, finding that he himself liked what he heard.  
Apparantly the man's date wasn't as impressed and Dorian felt himself feel even more sorry for the man as he watched the rather stunned expression cross the man's handsome features as the "writer" downright shot him down.

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Handsome works as a security-guard and he works part-time for a non-profit._ _Dude is condescendingly explaining to her why most non-profit models don't work. He looked into making one once._  
4:36 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Every single thing handsome mentions his date "did that one time, with my buddy" and is now an expert in._  
4:39 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Felix Alexius**  
number_wizard  
 _Douche-alert._ _RT_ magnificent_mage: _Every single thing handsome mentions his date "did that one time, with my buddy" and is now an expert in._  
4:40 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Minrathous, Tevinter

 **Sera**  
wibbly_bits  
 _What a tit!1!_ RT magnificent_mage: _Every single thing handsome mentions his date "did that one time, with my buddy" and is now an expert in._  
4:40 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Skyhold, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _As usual, you have a way with words, my dear._ RT wibbly_bits: _What a tit!1! RT magnificent_ _mage: _Every single thing handsome mentions his date "did that one time, with my buddy" and is now an expert in._  
4:41 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Sera**  
wibbly_bits  
 _Now ur a tit!_ RT magnificent_mage: _As usual, you have a way with words, my dear._ RT wibbly_bits : _What a tit!1!_ RT magnificent_mage: _Every single thing handsome mentions his date…_ -READ MORE  
4:41 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Skyhold, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Handsome: I actually love cooking  
Douce: Oh god you should try my puttanesca sauce, my friend who's a chef says it's even better than his_  
4:45 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _"A lot of my friends are having kids but I don't know," *self-counscious laugh* "I can barely take care of myself let alone a baby."_  
4:47 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Felix Alexius**  
number_wizard  
 _Who the hell says that on a first date?_ RT magnificent_mage: _"A lot of my friends are having kids but I don't know," *self-counscious laugh* "I can…_ READ MORE  
4:48 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Minrathous, Tevinter

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _OH NO NOW HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS FEAR OF HAVING CHILDREN STEMS FROM HIS DADDY ISSUES AND I CANNOT_  
4:49 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _Handsome has a mild look of panic._  
4:50 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Dorian Pavus**  
magnificent_mage  
 _This guy seriously makes me want to get up and steal his date. Handsome does not deserve this._  
4:51 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Felix Alexius**  
number_wizard  
 _Do it! You'd do the poor man a favour!_ RT magnificent_mage: _This guy seriously makes me want to get up and steal his date. Handsome does not deserve this._  
4:52 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Minrathous, Tevinter

 **Sera**  
wibbly_bits  
 _Steal him and dump ur fancy coffee on the arse's head!1!_ RT magnificent_mage: _This guy seriously makes me want to get up and steal his date. Handsome does not deserve this._  
4:52 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Skyhold, Ferelden

 **The Iron Bull**  
horns_up  
 _Go save 'im, big guy ]:)_ RT magnificent_mage: _This guy seriously makes me want to get up and steal his date. Handsome does not deserve this._  
4:52 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Storm Coast, Ferelden

 **Vivienne De Fer**  
madame_fer  
 _End the poor man's suffering, darling._ RT magnificent_mage: _This guy seriously makes me want to get up and steal his date. Handsome does not deserve this._  
4:53 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Monsimard, Orlais

Surprised the amount of his friends that were actually supporting his thoughts, Dorian started thinking about just –how- he could save poor handsome from the absolute douche. The last time he looked over, handsome looked about ready to run away, but was obviously too polite to excuse himself. If it had been Dorian, he would have left him ages ago.

The thought of playing the part of a dear friend or jealous lover had crossed his mind, but considering that he had been sitting next to them for the last half hour left that out of the question.

As a lightbulb went off in his head, Dorian quickly stood up and headed into the inside of the café, his mind already perfecting a simple, but ingenious idea.

He gave the barista behind the counter a warm, friendly and what he hoped was a charming smile, a smile that was returned by the red-haired lady.

"Excuse me," he started, then glanced down at the name-tag that was fastened to her shirt. "-Leliana. I was wondering if you could be so kind and help me with something?"

"That depends," the lady, Leliana replied in a thick, Orlesian accent, giving Dorian a rather skeptical look.

"Well, do you see that man out there? He is suffering, hard," Dorian said as he discreetly gestured towards the couple outside, barely visible from the window.  
"His date is an absolute disaster and I was wondering if you could be so kind and deliver the man, the blond, a message?"

Leliana looked over his shoulder and a frown crossed her features, only for a second before she gave Dorian a most pleasant smile. "I'd be glad to," she said and Dorian could have sworn that she sounded smug. "What would you have me say?"

"It cannot be something too dramatic, I do not want to give the poor man a heart-attack," Dorian said, pondering for just a moment.

"I will think of something," Leliana said, giving Dorian a downright scary smile. "You should wait at the front, out of view."

"Certainly," Dorian replied with a small grin before thanking her and headed to the door. He couldn't see the table from the position he was at, there was a large, well-stacked (and well decorated) shelf blocking his view, but he believed that was half the idea.

It only took a minute before he saw handsome talking with the barista, who, to Dorian's surprise, pointed in his direction. Handsome looked at him before nodding at the barista, giving her a smile and a nod as he headed in Dorian's direction.

"Leliana said you had an important message for me, because of a small emergency?" was the first thing that came out of handsome's mouth, surprising Dorian in more ways than one.

"There most certainly is," Dorian replied as he grasped at handsome's arm and started guiding him out of the coffee-shop.  
"I am here to save you from that disaster of a date you were at. Honestly, how did you last as long as you did? You should apply for saint-hood!"

Handsome blinked his eyes in surprise, but he did not protest as he was guided out of the small café. "What? But… Wait, I… You sat at the table next to ours."

"I did and I heard the entire disaster," Dorian said, waving his free hand in a dismissive gesture. "Truly, I was prepared to dump my coffee on him on your behalf. I have never heard anyone more stuck-up and self-centered in my entire life, and this is coming from a man that knows that he is very much self-centered and stuck-up himself!"

Handsome didn't say anything and for a moment Dorian got worried. Perhaps handsome had liked the man, despite his attitude.

The worry washed away though as Handsome started chuckling, shaking his head some. "Well… I… Thank you. I was actually considering just excusing myself to the bathroom and fake some sort of stomach-bug or something. I… I did not know him, I just met him through a friend at work and thought why not." He grimaced some and shook his head.  
"He was… Maker, I do not even know what to say."

"A disaster? A cad? Self-centered asshole?"

"… Well, he wasn't an asshole, but he wasn't… Well." Handsome grimaced some. "… He was special," he finally concluded with.

"You, sir, have more pacient than I. Which is why I simply had to rescue you," Dorian replied firmly.

"Then might I know the name of my savious," Handsome asked with a small, sweet smile on his lips.

"Certainly," Dorian said, releasing Cullen's arm so he could give him a light, flourishing bow. "Dorian Pavus, at your service."

"Then I thank you, Dorian Pavus," Handsome chuckled before offering his hand. "… Cullen Rutherford."

"Nothing to it," Dorian said as he took the hand, giving it a shake before shifing his hand so he was holding him, walking on down the street.  
"Now, might I interest you in dinner, Cullen? I know this lovely little bistro down towards the city center that has a delightful pasta-dish. You can tell me more about this non-profit organization you work with."

Cullen merely smile and held the hand in his, happily following Dorian down the road. "I would be delighted to," he said. "And maybe you can tell me more about yourself since you seem to know more about me than I about you."

"I will," Dorian promised, flashing Cullen a grin. "In moderation, of course."

Leliana merely smiled as she saw the moustachioed man tug Cullen out the door, only sparing a glance to the left-behind date who didn't seem to take the sudden ending to the coffee date very badly.  
She had been pissed enough when her coffee had been insulted, but watching as her friend had been slowly tormented by a man who apparently was the center of the universe in his own head had been more than she could take.

She was grateful that the other man had seemed to have noticed the same thing and hopefully, by the look of the way the two were talking, Cullen would have a better time now.

She could only hope.

"Josie, I am taking a small break," she called out as she fished her phone out of her pocket, quickly checking over her twitter to see if anyone else had responded to her tweets. She had been sending a tweet now and then to Cassandra, who was dying to know how the date was going.

 **Leliana**  
The_spymaster  
 _Cullen has been saved, thankfully._ Seeker – _You are never trying to match someone with Cullen again, do you hear me?_  
5:01 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Leliana**  
The_spymaster  
 _That guy was a complete idiot. At least someone else took pity on Cullen and rescued him from that disaster. And he insulted our coffee!_  
5:02 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

Before she headed into the backroom, she tossed the left-behind man another look before letting out a snorting.

She had to share this.

 **Leliana**  
The_spymaster  
 _OMG, the guy doesn't even look upset._  
5:03 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

 **Leliana**  
The_spymaster  
 _He just opened his laptop and started typing. I hope it's a sad story about his life._  
5:03 PM – 3 Sol 9:41 Dragon – Haven, Ferelden

As for Cullen's new date... Well, she would just have go get details out of him later. She could wait.


End file.
